Archives for the month of: September, 2012

The Show This Post Refers To YBC Show: The Truth: Shane Shares Louise Hay 

  • Do you ask for help?
  • If you ask for help do you feel needy?
  • Why is it so hard to ask for help?

Last Sunday on, Your Beautiful Child Radio, I shared my current truth, and it was not pink and sparkly. (It was a little lack luster, or rather it needed some sparkle help.)  This past couple of days were challenging and (before the show) I had categorized everything I was thinking feeling and experiencing as WACK…  Here I am, being on this awareness journey for quite a bit now,  I  realized, yet again,  how much time and energy I spend on judging myself.  I give  myself  labels, criticize, compare and  scare myself with a ton of frightening thoughts.  It was hard to get a smile on my face.

Here is why if you are a parent, you can turn to your child for help. Children (typically younger than 5)  feel no judgement, they wear their truth like a badge of honor,

  • they share their need for attention (loud and clear)
  • ask for help in any way they can
  • they crave attention and make demands if they do not get it
  • They think the world is about their needs first

Why have we stopped being and thinking this way?

The time I spent with my little clients, brought me out of my head and into the present. It’s almost impossible to be anywhere else when in the presence of a child. So parents who deal with judging themselves, depression or anxiety: Use your children to guide yourself back to being present and grounded.

Here it was Saturday (again) and my radio show is to be recorded the next day, and I am to inspire and spread the message of JOY. I asked myself, “how on earth could I do this?!?!”  I was judging the way I was feeling to be a horrific depressed state of being.  Well the truth was, I wasn’t so comfortable sharing this,  so I decided to make a shift.   I picked up a book recommended to me several weeks back, Louise H. Hay’s, “You Can Heal Your Life”  and I began to read. Once again, I felt  AH HA! A book to the rescue. A woman who was talking to me!  I could find the help I needed without actually talking to anyone. Then I found a talk of hers online (free) that I also found to be a great tool, (see below.)

You see this is a problem for me, to ask for help. I didn’t reach out to any friends,and I cancelled plans I made.  I seem to always forget that have an ego that may be bigger than I’d like it to be, and not only does this get in my way, why not turn to someone and share, and ask what should I do?  Am I afraid to look weak?      Who could be  so important that could judge me as weak?!?!? HAHAHA ONLY ME!

So in the privacy of my home, I went to my bookshelves. I began to use Louise’s advice, her words and her suggestions and I began to feel different. I began to once again begin to feel the possibility of loving myself. I am here to declare I am loving and lovable, and I am here to say I am also human and sometimes I need a little help.

P.S. Even the people that seem to have “it all” together also require help.

Here is a talk by Ms. Hay that helped me:

What a beautiful bit of news. THIS is what I find newsworthy. Enjoy

Sarah Green

touched on this a little bit yesterday.  I think that, in general,  special needs parents, myself included, carry around a great deal of guilt.

More often than not,  the guilt is not warranted.  That doesn’t make it any easier to cope with though.

I carry around so much guilt for things that I know I had no control over.  Rationally,  I understand that but it doesn’t make the guilt go away.

I’ll give you an example.

I hear all the time from people how I’m doing such an amazing job and what a wonderful father I am.  However,  the truth is that I don’t see that.

I tend to focus more on what I do wrong instead of what I do right. I compare my short comings to other people’s strengths. Guess what.  I lose everything single time.

I would guess that I’m not the only one out there that does this.

I was thinking that we could all share what we feel guilty about.  Perhaps we can learn something and maybe,  just maybe,  learn to move past some of this guilt. Maybe we can gain some perspective by listening to each others reasons for feeling guilty.

I’ll go first.

I feel guilty because……..I can’t take away my wife’s constant pain.

I feel guilty because………we have decided that it’s best that we send away one of our children for residential placement. Even though it’s the right thing to do, I feel like a complete failure and that I have let him down.

I feel guilty because………it took so long for me to come to terms with having to send Gavin to residential treatment.  In that time,  my wife and our other kids have paid a very high price.

I feel guilty because……….I haven’t moved my family out of this neighborhood yet.  No one feels safe here,  including myself.

I could go on and on.

I imagine that some of you are sitting there thinking that I have nothing to feel guilty about. Am I right?

Logically I understand that,  however,  as a parent and husband,  I don’t always think logically.  Sometimes I expect myself to work miracles and when I can’t,  we’ll….I can’t forgive myself.

Having said that,  I am asking you to bare your soul a little bit and answer the following question.

I feel guilty because……..

This was posted via WordPress for Android, courtesy of Samsung’s Galaxy S III. Please forgive any typos. I do know how to spell but auto-correct hate me.

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Seseh, Bali, Indonesia.

I don’t know what to say or how to say it. On the one hand I feel transparent, on the other disenchanted. I feel like I want to cry but I can’t. I feel open and at the same time I feel numb.

I have an app on my iPhone that is called Insight Timer. You can use it to time your meditation. It has all kinds of different bells and it keeps track of your meditation history. I have done 426 sessions with in total 234 hours and 59 minutes of meditation with the app. I probably sat for about 3 hours today. You know how many interesting and – more importantly – lasting insights or experiences I had on my meditation cushion? 0. Nothing. Zero. And I don’t mean today, I mean in the whole of my history with the app.

I am so utterly and completely done with being half cooked. I am so done with watching the same thoughts and hearing the same stupid voice inside my head. I am done with going through the same patterns, stumbling into the same pitfalls. Why can’t I just move on? I get a taste of beautiful states of mind and fall back again. One day I feel in love with life and I fall back. The next day I can see I am really blessed even given the imperfections. But now, today, I am just done with it.

A feeling washed over me when I sat on the beach to meditate: I will never make it. I will never truly heal myself. I will never have a happy relationship. I will never become ‘good enough’. Nobody wants to spend her life with me. I can spend 40 more years doing yoga, practicing zen, do morning kryas, sun salutations, write, do healing sessions in sacred springs and whatever the fuck else I am doing but the prize won’t come.

I know the feeling, I know the source, I can see how it is entangling me, I know how it entangled me before and I know it is an illusion of the mind. I know how it feels to be completely free from it. But still: it is here. Again.

This path is making me desperate. I have a confession to make: every morning I have to fight myself into the day. I always wake up with a lump in my stomach and I always have to make an effort to turn it around. The vast majority of the days I manage to make my day into a good day but it is never without effort. Another confession: the spiritual path also comes with uncomfortable and weird symptoms. Right now there are two chakras hurting, one of them the root chakra. It feels literally as if I have been kicked in the balls. The other one feels as having been hit in the stomach. Nice huh?

I know this path is about dying and that my ego has to die thoroughly. I have passed the point of no return long ago. But can’t it be done more quickly? Just get it over with, don’t leave me hanging here.

I want to give up. I want a way out. I want to wave the white flag. I want to surrender and the battle to stop.

Yes, I can tell you what the upside is too. It is very humbling to have the rug pulled from underneath myself over and over again. It teaches not to underestimate the persisting nature of our patterns. It brings a lot of space for forgiveness of others. It is hard to change the energy of suffering. I might be able to observe it, to be honest about it and not to blame others for it – which is huge progress – I still have to feel it.

Yesterday we went to the sacred springs of Tirta Empul. A Balinese healer took us through the ritual. It is truly mind-blowing. I still consider myself not the most sensitive person in the world but not feeling the energy of the place is impossible. The healer mentioned casually how strong the energy was at the place where the water came out of the ground. When I stretched out my hands it was almost as if I leaned against a magnetic wall. Tomorrow we will go meet the Rishi, the most holy woman on the island, during the Galungan, the most holy day of the year. You can compare that with meeting the Dalai Lama on Tibetan New Year. The fortune I am having to meet special people on special occasions is absurd.

I am cleansed and stretched and healed and blessed. Many amazing people are helping me, pushing me and encouraging me. Please let the final push be near.


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