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Seseh, Bali, Indonesia.

I don’t know what to say or how to say it. On the one hand I feel transparent, on the other disenchanted. I feel like I want to cry but I can’t. I feel open and at the same time I feel numb.

I have an app on my iPhone that is called Insight Timer. You can use it to time your meditation. It has all kinds of different bells and it keeps track of your meditation history. I have done 426 sessions with in total 234 hours and 59 minutes of meditation with the app. I probably sat for about 3 hours today. You know how many interesting and – more importantly – lasting insights or experiences I had on my meditation cushion? 0. Nothing. Zero. And I don’t mean today, I mean in the whole of my history with the app.

I am so utterly and completely done with being half cooked. I am so done with watching the same thoughts and hearing the same stupid voice inside my head. I am done with going through the same patterns, stumbling into the same pitfalls. Why can’t I just move on? I get a taste of beautiful states of mind and fall back again. One day I feel in love with life and I fall back. The next day I can see I am really blessed even given the imperfections. But now, today, I am just done with it.

A feeling washed over me when I sat on the beach to meditate: I will never make it. I will never truly heal myself. I will never have a happy relationship. I will never become ‘good enough’. Nobody wants to spend her life with me. I can spend 40 more years doing yoga, practicing zen, do morning kryas, sun salutations, write, do healing sessions in sacred springs and whatever the fuck else I am doing but the prize won’t come.

I know the feeling, I know the source, I can see how it is entangling me, I know how it entangled me before and I know it is an illusion of the mind. I know how it feels to be completely free from it. But still: it is here. Again.

This path is making me desperate. I have a confession to make: every morning I have to fight myself into the day. I always wake up with a lump in my stomach and I always have to make an effort to turn it around. The vast majority of the days I manage to make my day into a good day but it is never without effort. Another confession: the spiritual path also comes with uncomfortable and weird symptoms. Right now there are two chakras hurting, one of them the root chakra. It feels literally as if I have been kicked in the balls. The other one feels as having been hit in the stomach. Nice huh?

I know this path is about dying and that my ego has to die thoroughly. I have passed the point of no return long ago. But can’t it be done more quickly? Just get it over with, don’t leave me hanging here.

I want to give up. I want a way out. I want to wave the white flag. I want to surrender and the battle to stop.

Yes, I can tell you what the upside is too. It is very humbling to have the rug pulled from underneath myself over and over again. It teaches not to underestimate the persisting nature of our patterns. It brings a lot of space for forgiveness of others. It is hard to change the energy of suffering. I might be able to observe it, to be honest about it and not to blame others for it – which is huge progress – I still have to feel it.

Yesterday we went to the sacred springs of Tirta Empul. A Balinese healer took us through the ritual. It is truly mind-blowing. I still consider myself not the most sensitive person in the world but not feeling the energy of the place is impossible. The healer mentioned casually how strong the energy was at the place where the water came out of the ground. When I stretched out my hands it was almost as if I leaned against a magnetic wall. Tomorrow we will go meet the Rishi, the most holy woman on the island, during the Galungan, the most holy day of the year. You can compare that with meeting the Dalai Lama on Tibetan New Year. The fortune I am having to meet special people on special occasions is absurd.

I am cleansed and stretched and healed and blessed. Many amazing people are helping me, pushing me and encouraging me. Please let the final push be near.


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