Over the last seventeen years of Motherhood I’ve seen many different variations of energy. From the moment I knew I was to be a Mother, I could sense the magical whirling inside my womb, that the galaxies were gathering and expanding to create this unique star inside of me. And just as the sun is sure to dawn, babies are sure to make their way earthside. The energy that surrounds this moment in time, the waves of labor, a distinct force of nature, one that is meant for our experience alone. As the baby crowns, the sun has broken the horizon….the ring of fire; energy.
Then there is love. Love, an energy so multi-faceted, so extraordinary in its design, its execution, its availability. Love is one of those things, like breathing, where we don’t even have to think about it. It just is. We love. This energy that wraps itself around how we nurture, nourish, encourage, behave, worry, let go, trust, remind, start over, forgive; this energy is the foundation of our motherhood journey, it is the topic and the title. It is paramount to everything. Like the sun giving us warmth and nourishment to grow, this is our love as a Mother. Our Love is the Sun to those we care for.
The minute our feet hit the ground in the morning, it is the pulse of our desire to care for and create a life that keeps us going. We have breakfast to make, diapers to change, lunches to pack, school bags to get ready, teeth to brush (probably not our own), kids to get dressed, hairs to brush (ours just gets thrown into a ponytail or bun), and kisses to plant before heading out the door, or watching as everyone else heads out the door. That explosion of life first thing in the morning can leave us feeling like we’ve just experienced a tornado. Everything is compartmentalized and narrowed into such a small, finite, moment in time with an ever expanding, forward momentum; the living outward, the intention, however subconscious, to be and experience, to learn and to work, this life energy that has created the human experience.
It is the constant flow of the living river of love that keeps me on my path. There is a mantra that I keep close to my heart “as within, so without”. I had heard this many years ago and it never resonated with me until now, as I feel my world falling apart. It has been several months that I haven’t been able to get my act together. I’ve been in a consistent face plant, falling flat on my face at every turn. Giving up, surrendering, definitely not in it to win it. Not only is my world inside falling apart, but so is what I look at every day, my life outside my body: my home, my children’s happiness, my relationship with my husband. Everything I see has been plagued by disharmony. It never once dawned on me that this disharmony had anything to do with how I feel inside, I just assumed everyone else was having a hard time too. It wasn’t until one night this week when I came to be brutally honest with myself in seeing how far down I’d let myself go. I’m merely in survival mode, my relationships are all very superficial, I spend far too much time in the past or the future. Where had my present gone? Why is it so painful to live in the now? What I know for sure is everything is as it is because I forgot about love. I instead, have unconsciously chosen to live in the energy of fear. As within, so without, my falling apart inside is a direct correlation to the world outside my body falling apart. The energy I’ve given to feed the beast of fear living within me has oozed out and slowly poisoned the living life of me, my family, and my home. The secret is out, and because it is, the momentum to facilitate change will occur. The tides have come in and now they will recede, they will take with it all the pain and suffering, the stagnant water will be pulled away, the tides will churn and breathe life back into this holy work that I have given a vow to. The energy that we feed is the energy we create.
This is not a burden, this is part of the human condition. Leaning into our whole selves is how we continue to grow, to dig deeper, to direct our roots around the rocks into more fertile soil. What an awakening and beautiful realization that I can shift something, that the way this life feels currently will not feel like this much longer. What sweet relief to acknowledge and allow that recognition and honor the darkness while continually stretching my branches to find sunlight again. This has been my own Spiritual barren time, my own personal winter, where all my vitality has fallen to the ground, leaving me naked and vulnerable. The magic of it all is the hidden energy beneath the surface. My body and Spirit, however wilted and appearing as though there was hardly a heartbeat, is in fact alive. What lies underneath the surface is a panoply of energetic wisdom, a collection of the heart’s essence and the Spirit’s breath. There is a slow ascension to the surface where the temperature begins to rise and the silent partnership of intention and manifestation will blossom. At the heart of this partnership is love.
I’m settling into the last little while of my Spirit’s murmuring below the surface. I am feeling the outward pull, the soft glow of a new dawn. I can sense that my Spirit is coming alive once again, full of secrets and ready to burst. As within, so without….this is the energy of love, allowing us grace for what’s within so that love can shine without. Love smoothes out the rough spots, it is the crack that allows the light to get in. Love breaks up the hard-pack of the mundane and revitalizes the foundation of our daily life. If we can soften our gaze as we look at ourselves in the mirror and see the beauty of the Soul staring back at us, if we can honor the life that has unfurled from our willingness to dedicate this time on earth for holding space for our children and partner, if we can hold ceremony in our hearts and give precious thanks for this gift of our time, here and now, than we know love. Not only or our families, but for ourselves, because it is the love that we give to ourselves to fill our own vessel that will allow us to then fill up the cups of our dear ones, truly and zealously. Love looks a lot like Grace. Go ahead and give yourself daily and hearty doses of Grace and you will begin to see that you can love yourself just as fully as you hope to love those in your midst.
It is the energy of love that supplies all that we need to keep refreshed, it is our living stream that our wandering Spirits chase after. Love is where we are able to find a settled rest. And even as we watch parts of us come and go, as we remember to feed love instead of fear, our Spirits will begin to alightin the truth that they are no more a stranger or a guest, but like a child at home. Life will look very different now, a love within is a love without and so it goes….
Written By Marcy Coalter (@wildsoul_mama)
• The last paragraph was written, and half way though I realized I was acknowledging my favorite hymn My Shepherd will Supply my Need by Isaac Watts.
• Photos taken by my friend, the beautiful Linda Moshier at her dreamy home on Lake Oscawana.