Archives for posts with tag: judgement

“Care of the Caregiver… YOU!” ~Shane B. Kulman

I remember the first time I heard this. How clear and “right” it sounded.  As the phrase unfolded in my head, I realized that I was a caregiver, and that working in a classroom 5 days a week, 8-3:30 and then coming home to eat a slice of pizza and collapse was not going to work for me anymore. That was NOT caring about the caregiver, and I was caregiving for 25 students and a wacky assistant that year.  No more…

I’ve graduated and will occasionally take a several week or month vacation during the school year, is this extreme caregiving for myself?  I think, no.  Some say extreme, I bet some say spoiled…  I now understand the importance of bookends. When I set out to work, I am aware that before and after I must include time where I do something for myself.  It may be a simple cup of tea, or a massage/spa visit.

I believe everyone is a caregiver in some aspect. Parents, Grandparents, Aunties and Uncles, babysitters, teachers, therapists, Nurses, Doctors, dog owners… you get the idea.

The parents I work with that have children with special needs, are constantly caregiving. There have been very few who make the time to withdraw from caring about others and take care of their Self.  So many parents pick food from their children’s plates, or eat standing up, don’t get dressed or spend every last penny on their child. After a while the caregiving well, goes dry. Parents often feel drained, wasted of energy and limited in   options. When I suggest a yoga class, a writing class, or to join in to any group activity that does not revolve around parenting, they look at me like I’m a dreamer, like I’m out of touch with reality, and then I see the guilt forming, “WHAT!?!? spend time on myself?!!?!? When my child is so far behind?”  I even suggested to a Mom to go out to dinner with Dad with a dress on, and I would stay with the children, she laughed at me and said we talk and eat when the kids go to school. Hmmmm, is this the same as wearing a dress at a restaurant?  I think not.

Children learn from watching, this has been researched and proven.  If all the young girls are watching their Mothers caregive and serve constantly, how will they learn to be independent and self expansive?  Special needs children, including non-verbal children see and feel what is going on around them. I see the neediest children become ultra demanding when they are in need of something. What happens after their demand, that may result in a temper tantrum/meltdown?  A Parent is running to serve them. What is the valuable lesson here? Yup, the bigger the meltdown and demand, the faster a parent runs.

Children with or without special needs, even pets, learn how to rule through behavior and reactions. I believe there is always time to be made for caring for the caregiver. Even if its a bath, or journaling time. I would say shopping, but you know who gets shopped for… everyone else.

Dearest friends – No matter who you are caring for. You can serve them on a higher level, if you take time to serve yourself. Your health and those you love will love you for it.

Namaste and love yourself,

Shane

panda eyesI had an early talk to give, and had performed in an improv show the night before, so I wore the same makeup. So there, I said it.  It wasn’t my plan- it just happened.

I am aware of all the judgements you have while reading this, some judgment and some relief, maybe both?  This was not the plan of course, I am pretty good about washing my face before I go to bed.  This time it didn’t’ happen that way, and you know what IT WORKED.  If you know me, or have listened to my radio show, you are aware I have been lucky enough to create a work schedule that does not include being anywhere before 11am. This workshop began at 8am in midtown Manhattan.

Other than not being healthy for my skin, what reasons was this a bad thing?  When you think of these reasons, is it based on “the right thing to do?’ Who created these right things? Are you not my friend anymore, do you think I’m dirty? do you not want to follow the work I do? Once you answer those questions, ask yourself if those judgements matter to me….

Why am I writing this on my blog?  Here is why.

When you are thinking of “doing the right thing” for your child or your Self, as a parent or a human being, do you do what you think is what everyone else would consider the right thing? Or are you doing what works for your child and your Self?

This is a great question when something you are working so hard to get done, isn’t flowing,  or your child is fighting against what you think is best for him/her? Following a child’s lead (whether it’s your own, a child in view, or in your life) can show you what is really right. Children are connected to the truth WAY EASIER than we are.   My suggestion is this: if something is not working out easily and feels forced, take a step back  (literally)  and think about why you dare doing it? Is it because it’s the right thing to do according to the social norm?  Are you considering what people will say about you? Becoming mindful of these times will create less paddling up sh*t’s creek.

Life could be lived without being so hard and forced.  By squeezing too many errands or appointments into one day, each task is not done with full presence, you end up running late, and for what? To be a superhero parent? So you can you feel proud when talking about how busy you are? In the midst of the day of working hard to “do the right things” many moments are zipped through with all sorts of meaningful things ignored; thoughts, signs, beauty and most of all answers about bigger questions in your life.

As we grow, and or get older, life can become easier and more manageable. If  it isn’t, something must shift, or what usually happens is, you get sick. Your body tells you to stop and slow down.   Living a life thats based on what works, vs. what your supposed to do makes all the difference.

Louise hay asks the question, “do you have poverty in time or are you prosperous in time?”

With all my heart,

Shane

The Show This Post Refers To YBC Show: The Truth: Shane Shares Louise Hay 

  • Do you ask for help?
  • If you ask for help do you feel needy?
  • Why is it so hard to ask for help?

Last Sunday on, Your Beautiful Child Radio, I shared my current truth, and it was not pink and sparkly. (It was a little lack luster, or rather it needed some sparkle help.)  This past couple of days were challenging and (before the show) I had categorized everything I was thinking feeling and experiencing as WACK…  Here I am, being on this awareness journey for quite a bit now,  I  realized, yet again,  how much time and energy I spend on judging myself.  I give  myself  labels, criticize, compare and  scare myself with a ton of frightening thoughts.  It was hard to get a smile on my face.

Here is why if you are a parent, you can turn to your child for help. Children (typically younger than 5)  feel no judgement, they wear their truth like a badge of honor,

  • they share their need for attention (loud and clear)
  • ask for help in any way they can
  • they crave attention and make demands if they do not get it
  • They think the world is about their needs first

Why have we stopped being and thinking this way?

The time I spent with my little clients, brought me out of my head and into the present. It’s almost impossible to be anywhere else when in the presence of a child. So parents who deal with judging themselves, depression or anxiety: Use your children to guide yourself back to being present and grounded.

Here it was Saturday (again) and my radio show is to be recorded the next day, and I am to inspire and spread the message of JOY. I asked myself, “how on earth could I do this?!?!”  I was judging the way I was feeling to be a horrific depressed state of being.  Well the truth was, I wasn’t so comfortable sharing this,  so I decided to make a shift.   I picked up a book recommended to me several weeks back, Louise H. Hay’s, “You Can Heal Your Life”  and I began to read. Once again, I felt  AH HA! A book to the rescue. A woman who was talking to me!  I could find the help I needed without actually talking to anyone. Then I found a talk of hers online (free) that I also found to be a great tool, (see below.)

You see this is a problem for me, to ask for help. I didn’t reach out to any friends,and I cancelled plans I made.  I seem to always forget that have an ego that may be bigger than I’d like it to be, and not only does this get in my way, why not turn to someone and share, and ask what should I do?  Am I afraid to look weak?      Who could be  so important that could judge me as weak?!?!? HAHAHA ONLY ME!

So in the privacy of my home, I went to my bookshelves. I began to use Louise’s advice, her words and her suggestions and I began to feel different. I began to once again begin to feel the possibility of loving myself. I am here to declare I am loving and lovable, and I am here to say I am also human and sometimes I need a little help.

P.S. Even the people that seem to have “it all” together also require help.

Here is a talk by Ms. Hay that helped me: http://hayhouse.edgeboss.net/hhus/audio/wc/gifts/0911/louisehay_howtoloveyourself_082911.mp3

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